Longer, thicker, faster…Bearder!
Yes, we’re talking beards. Every man wants a big one, and every woman wants to be with a man who has a big one. But how do you get it? Here’s some tips our old friend science offers up.
Summer. Beards grow quicker in it. Many reasons have been proffered, such as increased blood flow/circulation due to the heat or that the extra beer drunk to keep one cool increases the manliness in your veins and thusly propels said hair to procreate in splendour.
Sex. Yes, science is a wonderful thing, it gives you more reasons to wink, wink, nudge, nudge at a female counterpart. Beyond normal population needs, it also has the benefit of inducing increased hairiness. It is thought that just the thought can stimulate follicles and lead to more lustrous chin manes.
Trimming. This may sound counterproductive, but follow me. When you prune a shrubbery, it will often fruit more. This is because the dead ends sucking up that precious nutrients have been lopped off and only healthy ends are left to reap the rewards. Similarly, your beard needs to be trimmed to get rid of the hangers-on-nerers and promote growth. But just be sure not to over trim the bush, else you err on the side of unmanly.
Massage. Massage is said to stimulate the blood, the follicles and also the skin to rejuvenate itself and promote growth of new healthier particles. When massaging, use a quality beard oil to soothe the skin and help with ease the fricton when massaging and to help control the wild hairs. Stroking one’s own beard is also excellent practice – it helps men think, it looks awesome and particular if you want to move into either an evil mastermind or a therapist role in life, it’ll help show off your prowess to everyone in the room.
Being a carnivore. Your parents probably told you to eat your carrots to help see better in the dark. Total codswallop. And if you eat your crusts you’d get curly hair. Bulldust! What about eat more meat to be more manly? Nope? Bastards! Whilst scientifically speaking protein helps build muscle, no one cares. What you want to know is that eating more meat, particularly jerkied or barbecued makes you a manlier man. But how you ask? Simple. That’s how.
Beer, rum, bourbon and whiskey. All together. Did you know if you have a shot of rum and a shot of bourbon in one it is called an angry pirate? It also makes weakling hurl. Only real men can stomach it, and a few women… Pirates were renowned for drinking rum – it kept the mermaids attractive and visible. Beer is a known for its aperitif qualities, and whiskey is best kept in a jar-o. But what does any of that have to do with beards? Um Blackbeard. Bluebeard. Long John Silverbeard? Enough said.
So if you want a decent beard so you can show your face around other men. Drink heavily, have rampant fantasies, live during Summer time some of the time, trim it a little, give it a rub down with beard oil every so often and eat meat!