Growing a beard is a very serious decision. You can’t just start growing it because you want to. Beard is a very philosophical question and it not only requires great attention but puts great responsibility on your shoulders (sorry – chin). However, if you are ready to become a true man and grow wisdom on your face, you better get a decent reason for that. Having problems finding one? How about we give you ten. Sit down, relax and take it serious. (Warning! The following reasons might turn you into a real man!)
1. Beard is a first step for every male to actually become a man. You may lift heavy weights and be a genius but without beard you are not allowed to use the word “manly” and your name in the same sentence. Sorry – that’s the cruel rule of the Beard World. Ok, now pull yourself together, free your mind and make it grow. In a few months you will become a real killing machine who can make people disappear with a brief look. Do you know why Chuck Norris has been wearing a beard for so many years? Because beard is his power (and probably because he has another fist hidden in his beard!). It is very unlikely that you will get one even with the coolest beard in the world because no one can compete with Chuck, but now you can expect people to give you free coffee, their lunch money and whatever you think will look better on you. Oh, and remember to be careful with the words “This is Sparta!” Growing a beard turns them into a dangerous weapon.
2. Nicely maintained and big beards work like women magnets. Well, women sure have their own powers but they can’t match with the beards. What is that you say? You don’t think that the reason number 2 is true? You are either not serious about growing a beard or too young to handle its power. You wouldn’t even believe how many times I have had to tell women who stared at my beard “Hey, woman! My eyes are up here!”? Remember – this magnet never fails.
3. So, it’s winter time and you do not know how to ski? Not a problem. All you have to have is a well grown beard. The rest will come naturally. Beards are great for sledding from snowy hills in winter or for the grassy ones in summer. Your friend is late for work? Why don’t you give him a ride or, should I say, a beard-ride. Beard taxi: travel with comfort.
4. Beards make people smarter and that’s the only truth you need to know. With a beard on your face everybody will think that you are a professor. You do not even need to open your mouth. Just make sure that the beard covers the CCC (Cheek- Cheek -Chin). Do you know Leo Tolstoy? Yes, the one who wrote War and Peace. Do you ever wonder how he could finish 4 books of the War and Peace saga so quickly? The answer to your question grows right under your nose. Beard is wisdom. Just make sure you remember that.
5. Fear no more! The beard is here to save your life! This is one of the phrases you should memorize for all the possible expressions of nature’s bad mood. It’s ok to admit that you knew nothing about the saving powers of the beard. Tsunami, earthquakes or Godzilla… they all mean nothing when a bearded man is nearby, especially, when this bearded man is you. You can let people hold on to your beard so they won’t be taken away by tornado or let them hide inside your beard until the storm settles down or Godzilla goes away. Don’t worry – the creature won’t touch you. Beard is the only thing Godzilla is truly afraid of. Checked it myself. Twice.
6. Hey, pal! Do you remember the reason #2? You’d better say YES because if you can’t handle the woman magnet and situation becomes too critical, you can always use another great thing that beards can do. Beard is a perfect disguise for any life situation. Need to hide from the crowd? Beard disguise. Someone is chasing you? Beard disguise. Need to take sunbathes? Beard disguise. Got bored? Beard disguise. This one is limited only with your imagination. So, go and experiment!
7. Have you ever paid attention to men who live in cold countries? Did you notice that there was something special about them? Yes, right – they all had gorgeous beards on their faces and still have. Do you know why they wear beards? Beside the first 6 reasons, of course. Yes, my friend – beards make them warm and comfortable. You can get outside in the most severe and cold night when it’s 40 below 0 (by Mr. Celsius, of course) in your underwear only and it would feel like a walk in the park as long as you have a beard. Moreover, if you make it big enough, you can try your luck at the mountain rescue team. Your beard will always keep the people around it warm and will save lives. True story.
8. I will just leave it here. This reason pretty much speaks for itself. For successful sailing all you need is a beard. Or two, if you sail with a friend. The more – the merrier. Now we know why pirates had beards.
9. In order to become a master of your beard, you will have to walk a very long path. But if you do – the reward will be awesome. We all have secrets but only a few of us can keep them safe, mostly because we forget our secrets at home and make ourselves vulnerable. With the Beard that won’t happen because beards can keep secrets. By secrets I mean pretty much everything: you have photos where you are young and have no beard? Put them in your beard. There is a dead body at your hotel room? Hide it in your beard. Forgot to take out the garbage? Well, go and do it now – beard is not a place for dirty stuff!
Also, beards are great when you go camping or traveling. You can hide a few snacks for later or pack for weeks ahead cause beard can handle everything. Back in the days criminals used to traffic weapons and drugs in their beards but after security started checking facial hair for any suspicious substances, their game was over. Though, the bearded men of the planet Earth are still fighting for their rights. Otherwise, how can authorities explain the fact that touching a man’s beard in public by a total stranger is OK, but touching woman’s breast is not? Sounds like sexism to me.
10. Beards are one of the most social elements in the whole world. Before the Facebook came in, beards kept people together for ages. Starting from the ancient times people used beards to send messages. They formed beard in various smoke letters and symbols and made the magic happen. Now the true art of beard smoke signals is forgotten by the shaved ones, but it comes to every man who starts growing a beard. So, whenever a zombie apocalypse becomes a real deal and there is no communication between people, beards will save the world. Mark my words!